Slideshow
by ShepherdGirl2113
Summary: Set after Forever Young, Meredith deals with her thoughts when she hears the gossip about Derek and Rose and Derek tries to comprehend his feelings in the midst of everything.
1. Meredith

**Disclaimer- Yeah…I really wish Grey's was mine. But it's not. **

**Summary- Set after Forever Young, Meredith deals with her thoughts and struggles to find where she stands after she hears the new gossip about Derek and Rose.**

**A/N: So this is my first fanfic…ever, actually. If you have a minute, please leave me a review and let me know how I'm doing in the world of fanfiction! **

**I haven't watched the first part of Crash Into Me, (I'm determined not to watch until the strike is over, which is SO incredibly hard to do) so I don't really know what happens between Derek, Rose and Meredith in that episode. But think of this a week after Forever Young, without the Crash Into Me double episode ever happening. **

**The italics are Meredith's memories. They're mostly from the show, although I may have made one or two up. It'll make sense if you read further. Enjoy!**

Meredith hadn't really understood the purpose of the nurse's station until she heard them talking about her. Gossip. That's what it was about. All gossip.

"Our Rose deserves the best."

"At least he finally asked her out. 36 surgeries and only then he finds out her name"

"That Grey finally is getting what she deserves."

"Grey? She's not good enough for him."

"He asked eight nurses for her name. Did you know?"

"Rose is prettier than Grey any day. Grey isn't even pretty."

"And nicer. Do you see the way Grey treats her sister? Like a piece of trash."

"She thinks she owns this hospital. Just because her mom was Ellis Grey."

"Derek and Rose. Sounds kind of perfect."

Meredith had chosen today to use an ink pen. Of all days. And she chose to chart at the nurses station instead of her normal spot by the vending machines. The ink bled through the chart that she was writing on, distorting all the words as she listened to the loud gossip of the nurses.

"He asked her out right in front of me. It was the sweetest thing. Eight o' clock tonight."

"Dating McDreamy. God, I wish I could date him."

"Just anybody but Grey and I'm happy."

_They were at the nurses' station. He liked to do charting here; it was a good place for him to lean. Derek was good with leaning. She had stayed up the whole night before thinking. He couldn't breathe for her anymore. He didn't want to breathe for her. She had spent the whole night thinking about that. Then she spent whatever she had left of the night for practicing her speech. With hand gestures. _

_When I drowned, it was different for you than it was for me._

_I want to be different._

_I want to be better at everything._

_I want to let you in._

_Now is not the time to give up on me._

_Okay. _

_She had dropped the hand gestures at 5:09 in the morning. It made her look a little crazy when she saw it in the mirror while practicing._

Meredith swallowed. Then breathed in deeply. She couldn't listen to anymore. She needed to think.

**MDMDMDMD**

Meredith sat staring at the wall in the resident's lounge, drumming the fingers of her right hand back and forth, making it look like she was thinking about something. She checked her watch. 10:47. Derek was clipping an aneurysm right now in OR 3.

Rose. Meredith had seen her once in the hallway and her eyes about 36 other times in Derek's surgeries. He didn't know, but she made it a point to watch a little of every one of his surgeries that she wasn't assisting on or operating at the same time. Rose. The nurse. The one that talked about cliques when Derek was removing the pencil from Danny's eye. She hadn't seen the end of the surgery but she knew what happened.

And now they were going on a date. A real date, too. Not a fake-date like Sydney. This was a real date. A date with an expensive restaurant involved and maybe steak with big chunks of carbs in a basket and wine. No, this definitely wasn't a fake date at Joe's with Mark looking bored on the side. Mark wouldn't be there. Joe wouldn't be there. The hospital staff wouldn't be there. She definitely wouldn't be there. Just Derek and Rose. Rose and Derek.

Meredith frowned. 10:55.

"Hey."

Meredith jumped. Cristina. "Hey."

Cristina went directly towards the caffeine but stopped short and looked at Meredith. Meredith gave her a weak smile.

"What did McDreamy do?"

"What makes you think Derek did anything?"

Cristina shrugged. "You have the McDreamy-did-something-bad look on your face."

"I don't do that," Meredith said. "That's not a look."

"And I heard the nurses talking about it too. So what did McDreamy do?"

Meredith sighed and placed both her elbows on the table, looking at the two loose fists she made. "This shouldn't be hard for me. This dating thing. This shouldn't be hard, right?"

Cristina shrugged again. "Who's he dating anyhow?"

"Rose. The nurse. With brown eyes."

"A nurse?" Cristina's voice was filled with shock and a little bit of disgust. "I've lost all my respect for him."

"She has nice eyes," Meredith said softly, staring at the lines in the wood table. She had originally thought it was fake wood but looking closely, Meredith could tell it was real wood.

Cristina put down her coffee cup and lay down on the bench, pillowing her head in hands. "Whatever. If he wants to date a nurse I say you get over him."

"Should it be this hard?" Meredith asked, staring at the clock on the wall. 11:00. 11:01.

"Probably not. You wanted him to date anyhow," Cristina said taking a gulp of her coffee and wiping her mouth on the back of her hand.

"I know," Meredith murmured.

The sound of a pager brought Meredith's glance down to the waist of her scrubs. Cristina sat up and grabbed wildly at her pager.

"Hahn," she paused and looked at Meredith. "Oh my god." Cristina jumped up and ran out of the resident's lounge, occasionally slowing down and speeding up. This had been her routine for the past week.

Meredith's eyes went back to the clock on the wall. The seconds actually made a sound, Meredith realized. Derek would still be clipping the aneurysm.

_The intern locker room. Meredith had never liked that place. It reminded her too much of her high school gym locker room and she had hated every minute of high school. Cristina's wedding. Intern exams. Bridesmaids dresses. Momma. Maid of honor. The Best Man._

_Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me._

_Put me out of my misery._

_I have to go. Cristina's getting married._

_Put me out of my misery._

She stood up slowly and pulled the door open, glancing back at the clock once more.

11:03. 11:04.

**MDMDMDMD**

Normally she wouldn't mind if Derek saw her. But today she did. She stood in the door of the gallery of OR 3, making sure that somebody blocked her. Derek couldn't see her today.

Standing on her tip- toes, she could just about see Derek and his ferryboat scrub cap. Meredith loved that scrub cap.

"Excuse me," someone said, pushing Meredith aside before she could even move out of the way.

Interns. She definitely never pushed residents when she was an intern.

"What happened?" the intern said loudly to her friend, taking a chip from the bags of snacks that were laid out on the seats.

"He looked at her twice and she moved closer to the table. And I think he smiled too,' the second intern said.

"Damn it! He looked at her _twice_?"

11:15.

"And she moved closer to the table."

"They're so much better than him and Grey."

_Breathe in. Out. And in._

"Dr Grey." Meredith spun around.

"Dr. Bailey. Hi."

Bailey crossed her arms and looked at Meredith with narrowed eyes. "Is there a reason why you are standing outside the gallery and not in it?"

_Oh crap._ "I…uh…I couldn't get a seat," Meredith finished weakly.

She leaned forward and looked into the gallery. "Dr. Grey, there are exactly thirteen seats available," she said with raised eyebrows.

Meredith leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. _Breathe_. "I can't go in there. I can't listen to them talk about me and about what a terrible person I am. I can't listen to them talk about the looks and the smiles. I can't watch him with someone else," Meredith whispered, sinking down to a sitting position, her knees pulled up.

Bailey stood with her hands on her hips cataloguing her former intern before sitting against the wall next to Meredith. "Grey, you've been in this hospital long enough to know that the gossip here spreads faster than disease. People can say things, but it doesn't make it true. And I know, Grey, that you are not a terrible person. But you can make some terrible choices."

Meredith smiled. Bailey stood up and tucked her charts under her arm. "Just make the right choice," she said, walking away.

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith called, standing up and brushing off the back of her scrubs. Bailey turned around. "Thanks."

Bailey smiled slightly. "Now you owe me Grey. Clinic time. With interns."

Meredith nodded and turned towards the gallery doorway. She was a resident. They were interns. She was confident. She was Meredith Grey. Whatever that meant.

11:23.

She sat on the last seat and was very aware that conversations stopped immediately when she entered the gallery.

The interns looked at each other, one looking like she was ready to burst with laughter. There was a reason why everybody hated interns so much.

"Say whatever you want to. Point and laugh. I don't care," Meredith said suddenly to the interns. She was surprised at herself. The intern who looked ready to laugh narrowed her eyes at Meredith and leaned back in her seat.

The familiar resonance of v-fib sounded and the interns leaned forward in their seats. As if moving in slow motion, Meredith watched Rose step forward and grab the paddles, securing them unsteadily onto the patient's chest. That was her job. Meredith would handle everything that Derek couldn't on his surgeries. That was not Rose's job. What did she even think she was doing? That was the job for the interns or residents, not nurses.

Flat line. The whole OR was silent as Derek and Rose's eyes connected. He gave her that look that she had always gotten from him. _Call it, Meredith._

_OR 2, a simple aneurysm clipping right before lunch. Just like they had done before on Katie Bryce. It had been smooth sailing, and all of a sudden, v-fib. _

_She had grabbed the paddles, not missing a beat, not needing him to tell her what to do. They were like that. She had charged up to three-fifty, done chest compressions, administered more drugs than she could remember and charged again. Nothing. _

_She had been working by herself for twenty minutes when she realized that the entire OR staff was looking at her like she was crazy. But not Derek. He had been watching her every move, and when she looked at him and let the paddles slip from her hands, he gave her a look that didn't need explaining._

_Call it, Meredith. _

"_Time of death 11:31", she whispered before running out of the OR._

As if the interns could read her mind, one of them pressed the speaker button, the loud beeps and noises from the OR below coming alive. This was a joke. This was some kind of mistake.

Rose let the paddles drop from her hands and she looked straight at Derek.

"Time of death, 11:31," she whispered.

11:31.

Life was a joke. A sick and cruel joke. Meredith ran from the gallery, hearing Derek's voice speaking those words to her, even though he never had before.

_Call it, Meredith._

**MDMDMDMD**

She needed a break. Running back and forth finding lab work and charts was exhausting. And thinking about a certain McDreamy and a certain flower. That was exhausting too.

She could go down to the basement. But Alex liked to chart there and she didn't want any of his comments of questions from him. She could go back to the resident's lounge, but she risked bumping into George or Izzie who either wanted her help about their problems which she wanted no part in or would also ask questions. Cristina was in surgery with Hahn, so she couldn't go and find her. She would be personally killed by Cristina if she did. There was the on-call room, but it really wasn't the same place without Derek.

Meredith walked across the sky bridge and looked out the massive glass windows. Outside. Derek. Derek and her outside on the benches. Their spot.

She walked quickly, feeling her footsteps lighten by knowing her destination. The doors of Seattle Grace slid open and Meredith walked quickly outside, ready to turn left.

Voices made her stop. Rose's voice made her stop.

"You couldn't have done anything," she said. Meredith always said that to him. Always.

Derek sighed. "He shouldn't have died. He just…he shouldn't have died."

"It just happens, Derek."

Rose was with Derek on their bench. Comforting him after his patient died. Saying the same words she always said to him.

_It was just last week. He was sitting on the bench outside the hospital, his head in his hands. Meredith knew the look._

_My patient's in a coma and he's never going to wake up again._

_His best friend is in the waiting area._

_Poor thing, thinks he's going to wake up any second._

_There had been no need for words this time. No need for condolences or sweet words. Derek didn't need that. A simple gesture was enough._

_She gently took his hand in hers and squeezed tight. She didn't know if he had felt it, but she had gotten a small shock when she slipped her hand into his. Static electricity._

_Chemistry._

4:46. She had to find a new place to take a break. But walking aimlessly around the hospital, she couldn't find a place that would accept her.

**MDMDMDMD**

8:32. 8:33.

Time was moving slowly. The elevator on the right had stopped exactly 11 times and the one on the left had stopped 16 times. She had always liked the one on the left better.

They had left exactly half an hour ago. They had been running two minutes late apparently. Among the crowds of people waiting for the elevators, Meredith knew they wouldn't see her standing in the back.

But she saw them. She saw the way Derek put his hand on her back and ushered her into the elevator. She watched the way everyone around them sighed. She watched the way Derek looked at Rose. Not once did Derek notice her, standing alone in the bay once the crowd had filed into the elevator.

He didn't see her.

Meredith stood watching the light move on the numbers, indicating what floor the elevator was on. _1, 2, 3, open_.

12 times for the right elevator. Still 16 for the left.

"Meredith?" Meredith didn't need to turn around. She knew the voice all too well.

"Lexie," she replied calmly.

"Meredith, what are you doing? You've been standing here for half an hour."

"You've been counting the minutes I've been standing here?" Meredith asked softly.

"No, the nurses have. They have a great view of the elevators, in case you didn't know."

Meredith looked at the numbers for the left elevator. _2, 3, open. 17 left, 12 right. _"I have no where to go."

"Just go home," Lexie said.

Meredith shook her head. "Alex. He's in surgery and Izzie already left. I came with Alex this morning and he's still in surgery. And Derek can't take me home anymore. I have no one right now."

Lexie stepped forward and pressed the down button. "I'll take you home."

The right elevator opened. _13 times. How unlucky._ Meredith stepped silently into the elevator and let Lexie press the button for the lobby.

_The elevators. Besides the outside bench, the elevators were their place. Things always happened in the elevators. Between them, anyhow._

_She had never really liked elevators. When she was six, her mother had taken them on a trip to Boston to perform surgery on a patient that couldn't be moved. Once Ellis was with her patient, she told Meredith to go down to the waiting area, be quiet and don't disturb the other doctors. _

_Somewhere between the second and third floor, the elevator stopped moving and the lights went off. Meredith tried pushing all the buttons, even the alarm like Ellis had taught her. She tried pulling the doors open. She tried banging on the doors. She resorted to screaming for help from other doctors and eventually crying. But none of that worked. _

_She had been stuck in the dark elevator in Boston General alone for five hours before someone realized the elevator wasn't working and got her out. Ever since then she hadn't liked elevators._

_But Derek gave her a reason to._

_So this line. Is it imaginary or do I need to get you a marker?_

_Do you want to go away with me this weekend?_

_48 uninterrupted hours of this._

_Did I ask you to go out with me? Do you want to go out with me?_

_I miss you._

_I can't._

The doors opened and Meredith stood rooted in her spot. She couldn't move.

"Meredith, lets go."

Meredith didn't move. She felt Lexie slip her arm through hers and pull her out of the elevator before the doors closed.

As the doors of Seattle Grace automatically slid open, the smell of the Seattle rain wafted around Meredith. Rain. How appropriate. Lexie and Meredith walked in silence to Lexie's car, Meredith vaguely aware that it was only her stepsister's support that was keeping her standing.

A black jeep. Lexie owned a black jeep. They were more alike than Meredith gave them credit for. Lexie helped Meredith into the passenger seat without saying a word. It wasn't her job to ask questions.

When Lexie turned the key in the ignition and backed out of her parking space, Meredith's eyes were first drawn to the clock on the dashboard. Small green numbers instead of big black ones on the wall.

8:35. 8:36.

"What am I doing?" Meredith asked quietly. She didn't even know whom she was talking to.

Lexie stole a glace at her sister. "You're going home."

Meredith sighed and leaned her head back against the seat. "I mean with my life. What am I doing?"

The car was silent. Lexie didn't know how to respond to that.

Meredith continued, her eyes closed. "I didn't want to end up like my mother. I didn't want to be emotionally crippled. I didn't want to end up alone. But yet here I am."

8:41.

Lexie stayed silent for the rest of the car ride, formulating words in her head. She put the car in park in front of Meredith's house, but neither one of them made a move to get out of the car.

"You know, you keep saying that you're alone," Lexie finally said, dropping her hands in her lap.

Meredith nodded, her eyes still closed.

"You keep saying you're alone," Lexie repeated. "But you're not. You've got so many friends who care about you. The chief is practically your father and Dr. Yang and Dr. Bailey actually like you." Lexie paused.

"And me. Even if you don't want to believe it, I am your sister, Meredith. If you need to talk to someone or need a ride home from work, there's always me."

Meredith opened her eyes slowly and looked at her sister. "Thank you, Lexie."

Lexie smiled slightly and shrugged. "I'm your sister," she said simply.

Meredith pushed open the car door but stopped before closing it. She was her sister. "I don't hate you, you know. I mean, I hated the idea of you at first, but you're pretty okay. If you need to get away from our dad or need any help with him, I'm here. You can come here," Meredith said and closed the door.

Lexie nodded and smiled before driving off.

Progress.

8:46.

**MDMDMDMD**

Meredith had sat on the couch for two hours staring at the wall. Izzie had asked her five times if she was okay before giving up and when Alex came home, he asked her twice.

She said she was fine.

10:45.

Memories had been running through her head like a slideshow. Bits and pieces from her life. Moments that made her life hers.

_Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you._

_This morning, I was going to come over and I was going to say…what I wanted to saw was…but now all I can say is I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for…ever._

_I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime._

_But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, an unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me._

_Pick me, choose me, love me._

_I'm in love with you._

_You're the love of my life._

_I want to marry you._

Meredith stood up suddenly and ran out the door, grabbing her car keys from her jacket pocket. Once the rain started in Seattle, it never stopped.

She needed to talk to him. She needed to see him and tell him.

10:50.

_I want to marry you._

**MDMDMDMD**

As she drew closer, questions ran through her head.

What if he wasn't there?

What if he was there with her?

What if she said the wrong thing?

What if he didn't listen?

What if she was too late?

Meredith pulled her car in park and looked around the land. No cars. Derek wasn't here. She sighed and went over to the trailer deck, looking into the windows. Nothing. The chief didn't even look like he was home.

She closed her eyes, sat on the steps of the deck and pulled her phone out of her jeans pocket. In little black numbers, Meredith could just about make out the time.

11:15.

Her fingers dialed the numbers, knowing exactly where to go. She could hear the dial tone six times before it went to voice mail.

_This is Derek Shepherd, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible._

Meredith breathed in deeply, smiling a little at hearing his voice. She could do this.

"Derek. It's me. So I know you're probably still out on your date, which is good. Because it's healthy, so that's good," Meredith paused and breathed, thinking of what she was going to say next. "I know I'm not pretty and maybe I act like I own the hospital and you're too good for me, so here's the thing. The thing is that I'm sorry. I'm…I'm just sorry for everything. And there's a second thing. If you had a good date with Rose you might want to delete this right now. Or if you didn't have a good date, you should probably still delete this now. Okay. I know this is bad timing. It's actually terrible timing and a really bad situation with me sitting out here in the rain. But Derek, I love you…and I just wanted you to know that. Bye." Meredith snapped her phone shut and closed her eyes. That was bad. That was so bad.

An electronic sound made Meredith's eyes open immediately.

She knew that sound and she knew that phone all too well.

_Derek's phone. New message._

_Crap._

His footsteps echoed as he walked across the deck and sat next to her on the stairs. They looked straight ahead, not once looking at each other.

"How much did you hear?' Meredith asked softly.

Derek shrugged. "Most of it. From the part where you said you weren't pretty. Which I disagree with, by the way."

They were silent.

"How was your date with Rose?" Meredith asked eventually.

"I was wondering if you were going to ask about that." Derek stopped, trying to find words. "It was…it was good. But it was different."

For the first time that night, Meredith leaned forward and looked at Derek.

"Different than what?"

Derek sighed. "I took her to that steakhouse on Main. The one that we like to go to. And she ordered a salad."

"Maybe she wasn't hungry," Meredith murmured, understanding his meaning completely. When you go to a steakhouse, you order steak.

Derek shrugged again. "Maybe. But all I was thinking was that we were at the steakhouse and she ordered a salad, which she had a total of three bites out of."

Derek hesitated, tossing his phone between his hands.

"The whole time," he said quietly, "Rose never stopped talking about her father. They had this bond, and never stopped talking about him. And when she asked me about mine, I just didn't know what to say."

Meredith stretched her legs out and felt the cold raindrops seep through her jeans.

"And when I leaned in to kiss her good night, her hair smelled like…I think it was rose or some sort of flower," Derek shook his head. "But it wasn't lavender."

Derek watched the rain pour on the ground. It didn't fall straight down, he realized. It slanted slightly.

"She wasn't you. She didn't order a steak and eat from my plate as well, she had boring conversation topics and her hair didn't smell like lavender." He looked straight into Meredith's eyes. "She wasn't you, Mer, and I don't want anybody but you."

Meredith held Derek's gaze in silence before looking back out into the rain. Her jeans were entirely soaked through.

"I was thinking about you the whole day. I can't go anywhere in the hospital without thinking about you."

Derek nodded and looked down at his cell phone.

11:28.

"So, what does this mean?" he asked, turning to her. _Déjà vu._

Meredith's eyes met Derek's. She hesitated before slipping her arm around his neck and kissing him deeply. Her eyelids dropped and two tears slipped out, trickling their way down her cheeks.

When they pulled apart, Meredith let her hand drop to her lap, and Derek gently pulled her hair away from her eyes.

"We're taking it slow," she said. Derek smiled and stood up, pushing open the door of the trailer and ushering her in with his hand on her back.

"We're taking it slow,' he agreed.

11:31.

**Author's Note: So. My first fanfic. It was fun writing, and hopefully enjoyable reading. Please leave me a review if you have time, good or bad, I would love any of your comments. Thanks so much for reading, and if anybody enjoyed this, please let me know if I should continue writing because I have so many more ideas, if anyone is interested.**


	2. Derek

**Disclaimer- So...Rose is still alive. It's obvious I don't own the show.**

**A/N: Firstly. All of you who reviewed. Oh. My. Gosh. Thank you SO much. You have no idea how much it means to me that you would take the time to read and review my story. So Thank You, capital letters.**

**Okay. So this was supposed to be a oneshot. It was. And I realized I liked this story so I wrote it in Derek's perspective. I don't think I like this part as much as I do the first, but give it a shot and let me know what you think. Oh, still not following the Crash Into Me parts, although I caved and watched it. There is nothing to be said about the second episode, particularly the end in a certain scrub room, not to name names. Nothing.**

**Italics are Derek's thoughts.**

Three am. It was a nice time of day, Derek thought. It was quiet. Considering he was out by the water with only the trout to keep him company, Derek figured that it was supposed to be quiet anyhow. But this was a peaceful type of quiet. It was nice.

Derek curled his hand around the fishing pole and gracefully swept his arm to the side and cast his line into the water. He smiled as his line dropped perfectly in, bobbing up and down with the rippling waves. Sleeping these days was a problem. He had mentioned once to Meredith that he was a light sleeper. True, to an extent. But he couldn't sleep anymore. She wasn't there next to him and he didn't hear her snores or feel her body rise and fall gently next to his. And he couldn't fall asleep without her. If he did, he would be up within a half an hour fully aware of the fact that she wasn't there next to him and wouldn't be there anymore.

Derek sighed and pulled his line out of the water and cast again. This wasn't healthy. Even he couldn't deny that. The only decent amount of sleep he got in the on call room when Meredith had been too tired to move get up and they had both fallen asleep before her pager pulled them back into reality. That had been two days ago. Ever since, Derek managed half an hour here, and ten minutes there, closing his eyes in front of his computer screen or slipping into the on call room just to lie down and stare at the opposite wall. But it ceased to work today.

The on call rooms were all full. Richard had been watching him when he was working. And when he got back to the trailer, Derek realized that the lavender smell from Meredith's pillow was slowly beginning to fade away. He couldn't sleep. And Derek had moved past the denial part. He knew had a problem.

Meredith.

He couldn't live without her.

But she could live without him.

Derek pulled his line out of the water and turned toward his land, concentrating on the little trailer in the distance. He closed his eyes. It wasn't supposed to be there.

_He had told Meredith once, at least one year ago that he had no idea what he was going to do with all that land. His land. It was just there: large and expansive. Empty, except for a lone trailer in the middle of it all._

_But he woken up one morning by Meredith's snoring and looked at her for hours until she woke up. She never knew this. But somewhere in those hours, somewhere between 4 am and 5 am, Derek knew exactly what he wanted to do with that land. He knew exactly what he wanted out of his life._

_And it just came to him. His land wasn't his. It didn't belong to Derek Shepherd, whatever it might have said on the deeds. It belonged to both of them. It was property of Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey. Because she was his. And whatever was his was hers too._

_Within that week, he had drawn up plans. Multiple plans. Different houses. Colonial, Cape Cod, Craftsman, Farmhouse, Double Decker, Triple Decker. He drew up plans that wouldn't even be possible to build on their land, but he kept them, all rolled up into one large tube and hid them in the back of his closet. _

_He had hid the plans behind the crevice between the wall and bed when Addison came. When their divorce was finalized, he moved them back into his closet and when he and Meredith got back together, Derek left them out, propping the rolled up tube by the window. But Meredith had never noticed them. When they broke up, Derek moved them back into his closet._

_But even with his plans still in the closet, Derek could close his eyes and instantly see what he was hiding. The white picket fence. The disgustingly happy mailbox that read 'the Shepherd's' in bright red letters. The garden that lay dying because neither one of them had the time or the effort to take care of the plants, but kept it there anyhow. The house that belonged to both of them._

Derek opened his eyes and looked out again to his trailer. It wasn't supposed to be there.

**MDMDMDMD**

"I'm not eating that," Richard said as he sat himself down on Derek's deck and looked at the trout that Derek placed in front of him.

Derek looked at him tiredly and shrugged. "Don't, then."

Richard frowned at him. Derek was too much like him. He saw Derek's qualities mirrored in him. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and too often, it was broken. And when it was fixed, it was a quick fix. Not a real repair.

"Why don't you stop the three am fishing and try a trip to the supermarket instead?" Richard asked him, sipping his coffee and leaning back in his chair. It wasn't that he had a problem with the trout. He could deal with the trout. It was the fact that his head of neurosurgery was up at three in the morning fishing for it.

"Why should I? It's relaxing. It clears my head. It's definitely none of your business," Derek replied calmly, taking a bite.

"Derek."

Derek closed his eyes and let the fork and knife slip from his hands. When he opened them, he saw the same image that he saw every morning for the past two months. A plate of trout. Nothing different about it. Just like he saw yesterday when he looked down. And the day before.

"I can't sleep," Derek said softly, his head cradled in his hands. "I can't sleep and I'm tired of having constant insomnia." Derek slowly propped his elbows on his knees and looked out onto the vast land. It looked like it was raining slightly. Again. "I'm tired of having to fish at three in the morning to keep myself from going insane. I'm tired of being haunted by her. I'm tired of being alone." He turned to the chief.

Richard put down his coffee cup and looked straight at Derek. How was he supposed to respond to somebody who had similar problems to his own? He couldn't fix his own problems. This wasn't a problem that could be solved with a scalpel.

"Have you ever thought about dating again?" Richard asked, having no idea where his question came from.

Derek looked at him blankly. "What?"

"Have you ever thought about dating again?" Richard asked, more loudly and forcefully than the first time.

"Haven't you?" Derek asked spearing the trout with his fork and trying to ignore the too-familiar taste of the fish.

"Derek, you're avoiding the question." Another sip of coffee.

Derek threw his fork down on the plate, stood up and paced on the deck; his shoes echoing on the solid planed wood. "Thinking and actually doing are actually different things."

Richard shrugged. "I never said they weren't."

Derek stopped and leaned against his trailer. "I have to start dating again," he said softly.

"That's all I'm saying," Richard said, standing up and leaving the dishes for Derek to clean up.

"You're waiting," Derek called after the chief as he walked to his trailer. "I need a ride."

The chief turned and looked around. "Where's your car?"

Derek shrugged. "Lent it to Mark. Took the ferry back yesterday." He paused and picked up the dishes from the table. "I have a thing for ferry boats."

_She liked ferryboats. So did he. He had a thing for them. Not once had he found someone who understood his obsession with ferryboats. His high school girlfriend hated the smell of them. He thought she was crazy. Ferryboats didn't have a smell. Addison had grown up with a silver spoon in her hand and nine others. When she and Derek met and he took them on their first ferryboat ride, it had also been unknowingly, Addison's very first ferryboat ride. Ever. The only reason that Addison went on ferryboats after that was because Derek wanted to and she loved him._

_But Meredith. Meredith didn't notice the smell of ferryboats and she didn't look out onto the water and wish that she were sitting in a limousine instead. Meredith understood him in a way no one else had before._

_The little black box was hidden in his sock drawer. It had been picked out months ago but the box and its contents remained in there ever since. He had fully planned on taking the box from its hiding space, getting on that ferryboat and dropping down on one knee with that box open in his hand ready to offer Meredith everything that he was and then some._

_But drowning happened. And dead mothers. And dead fake-mommies. And drunken fathers. And almost-weddings. And break-ups._

_Things like that happened and plans deteriorated. He couldn't do it. He couldn't get on the ferryboat and drop to one knee and offer her everything when things like that happened._

_He left the little black box in his sock drawer, each day wondering if the best thing to do with it was to throw it into the water and complete the circle._

Derek blinked and shook himself out of his trance. He didn't know how long he had been standing at the sink, but the dishes had been cleaned and it was brighter outside. Looking down, he felt the cold water run over his hands and laughed bitterly at the irony.

Water. Ferryboats. Drowning. Meredith. It was a vicious cycle.

**MDMDMDMD**

He had an aneurysm clipping at ten. It was seven thirty.

There were three options. He could round on his pre and post op patients. He could stay in his office, stare at the wall and round later. Or he could go to an on call room and try to sleep. Knowing that he wouldn't get five minutes of sleep in the on call room and staring at the wall would drive him absolutely crazy, Derek stood up and slipped his lab coat over his shoulders, bending his head slightly to the left and right, stretching the muscles in his neck.

Another day of the Seattle Grace Show to face.

Without Meredith.

Forcefully, Derek pulled open his door and turned for the nurses station, only to bump carelessly into a resident, making her drop all her charts.

"Dr. Shepherd," she exclaimed, giggling slightly at his last name and bending down to pick up her charts.

_Seriously._ Derek didn't even know what had Mark told her at this point.

"Oh. Sydney," Derek said, picking up two grey charts from the floor and handing them to her. "It's nice to see you."

Sydney jumped up and looked Derek in the eye. "As is always nice to see you Dr. Shepherd," she said, putting particular emphasis on his last name. "So how are you this morning? Share with Sydney," she said, smiling and moving in closer to him.

Derek's eyes widened and he instinctively stepped back. _'I don't think you're ready.' What happened to that?_

"Great. I'm clipping an aneurysm in OR 3 at ten," Derek offered, doing his best to be as polite as possible, shuffling his way away from her.

Sydney leaned in closer and opened her mouth to reply before interrupted by the familiar sound of a pager. Derek sighed with relief and smiled. He really did love that pager sometimes.

"Oh," Derek exclaimed a little too enthusiastically. "You should probably get that," She smiled at him and he turned and headed for the nurses station.

He stopped short when he had a clear view of all the nurses congregating by the charts, coffee cups in their hands. Derek didn't know the names of any of them, he realized. Except for the one that he had to ask eight nurses for her name. Rose.

Derek saw her sitting in front of a computer, the light of the screen making her face glow a strange white.

"Hey, Rose," he said casually, leaning against the surface of the station fully aware that all conversations had dropped in volume levels to eavesdrop on him.

She looked at him and smiled. "Dr. Shepherd. You remembered my name. I'm impressed."

Derek shrugged. "I have a good memory," he replied simply. "Could you pass me Nicholas Harte's chart, please?"

Rose spun in her chair and ran her finger along the spine of the charts before pulling one off the cart. Derek took the plastic binder and gripped it firmly in his hand.

"Do you want to go out with me?" he asked suddenly, very loudly. Derek was acutely aware that all the nurses conversation had completely stopped.

Rose narrowed her eyes before shrugging. "Sure. Eight tonight okay? Meet me by the elevators?"

Derek could simply nod before turning away. _What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?_

Derek walked quickly down the hall, quickening his footsteps and eventually breaking into a run for his office.

He was a little bit of a coward. He asked her out and then he ran. He wasn't a little bit of a coward. He was a coward. A big one.

The worst part was that he regretted everything. Derek regretted asking her out. He regretted finding out Rose's name even though it was the right thing to do. He regretted going on his fake-date with Sydney. He regretted meeting Lexie and telling Meredith about it. He regretted every bad thought and sentence he had ever spoken to her.

He regretted everything that he did to put him in the place that he was in right now.

**MDMDMDMD**

"Dr. Shepherd."

Derek spun without looking up at the chart he was writing on. The voice wasn't one that he knew.

"Dr. Shepherd." The voice was closer. More forceful, too. Derek looked up. Rose.

_Did going out with her tonight mean that she accompanied him everywhere during the day?_

"Rose," he addressed formally. "What can I do for you?"

She frowned at him but shook her head. "I'm one of the nurses on call for the aneurysm clipping and I was wondering if you needed any help with the patient."

Derek clicked his pen shut, flipped the chart closed and dropped the pen in his lab coat pocket. "No, it's fine," he replied. "But you could go and check if the OR is ready." Derek knew full well that he OR had alerted him that it was prepared five minutes ago.

She nodded before walking to the direction of the OR, leaving him no choice but to walk as slowly as he could in her direction.

Aneurysm clippings hit pretty close to home. It had been his very first surgery that Meredith had assisted him on, and Meredith's first real surgery in general. It had been a surgery where Derek had lost the patient, but he had seen the best fight to save the patient's life from Meredith. Derek scrubbed his hands and walked into the OR, grabbing the blue towel from one of the nurses and wiping them dry. He could do this.

Pretend.

_Nicholas Harte on the table was really Katie Bryce. The intern assisting was Meredith not someone who he knew nothing about and had never seen before. OR 3 was really OR 1._

It was textbook. His surgery was textbook. Derek didn't make a single mistake; the scalpel hadn't once slipped from his fingers and the headset hadn't fallen loose. Everything was textbook until the sound of v-fib jolted Derek back into reality.

"Someone get the paddles," he yelled to the assisting intern who was rooted into place, standing completely still. "Come on, someone move quickly!" he directed loudly again, trying to repair the damage that he couldn't even see.

Rose stepped forward, charging the paddles by herself and placing them on the patient's chest.

_No. Anyone but her. Not like Mer had done_.

She started chest compressions and charged again, only to be addressed by the sound of flat line.

Rose let her hands slip from the paddles and looked at Derek, her eyes becoming glassy with tears. Derek looked at her, only seeing Meredith. It was Meredith that fought the best she could to save their patient. It was Meredith who dropped the paddles and looked at him after twenty minutes for the next step. He looked at Rose, but only saw Meredith.

_Meredith knew what she was doing. She never believed it half the time, but Derek knew that she was going to be a great surgeon one day. Contrary to what Meredith believed, Derek wasn't saying it jut to 'get in her pants.'_

_As a small token for completing her internship, Derek had found a lavender scrub cap printed with ferryboats. Not that he had been looking for it, but he knew it was perfect for her. He had thought about having it embroidered with something cute and personal, but he had figured that would be a bit extreme and embarrassing for her to wear._

_That day of the almost-wedding was when he was going to give it to her and congratulate her for completing her internship. He had planned his speech. He had planned on kissing her and holding onto her tightly and telling her just how proud of her he was. _

_He had planned on telling her that he wanted her to be in his OR all the time from now on, his right hand doing for him what he couldn't do. He had planned on telling her that he wanted her with him forever and then some._

_But he didn't. Instead he told her that he had met a girl the night before because he was angry. Then he had tried to fix it poorly which ended with him telling her to put him out of his misery and she walking out on him to her best friend's wedding._

_But despite everything he had told her, he had been waiting for her to tell her that she had passed her intern exams. The scrub cap had been stuffed in his pocket the whole day, hidden in his lab coat, folded and placed neatly inside his tux, just waiting for her to tell him that she had made it to residency so he could give it to her._

_Meredith had never told him and the scrub cap had remained in the pocket of his tux._

Derek swept the headset off his head and looked up to the gallery, not knowing if the unmistakable blonde hair that whipped around and ran out the gallery doors was a result of him going crazy from missing her.

"Time of death, 11:31," he heard Rose say.

**MDMDMDMD**

There wasn't a single place Derek could go in the hospital and not think about Meredith. Everywhere in the hospital held their memories and Derek didn't want to deal with memories at the moment. He sighed and crossed the sky bridge, heading for the benches outside the hospital. It was one of the worst places he could go; besides on call rooms, his office and elevators, this was his and Mer's place.

Derek sat down slowly and rested his forehead in his hands. He was just so tired of everything.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek closed his eyes and inwardly sighed. She was everywhere. "Rose," he said calmly.

"I'm sorry about your patient," she said, sitting down next to him. "I'm sorry you lost him."

Derek nodded and leaned back on the bench, refusing to look at her. He couldn't look at her, not while he was sitting at his and Meredith's place.

"He shouldn't have died," Derek said softly. "He just…he shouldn't have died."

"It just happens, Derek," she said, slipping her hand into his.

Derek stopped. Completely stopped. Her hand was in his. And it was different. Rose's hand wasn't warm and soft like Meredith's, and it didn't fit into his like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. This was different.

She called him Derek. Besides Meredith, his friends and occasionally Meredith's friends outside the hospital, nobody else called him Derek. He was always Dr. Shepherd to everybody.

Her pager cut made her withdraw her hand from his and frown at the black contraption. Twice in one day the pager had saved him from awkward social situations.

Derek closed his eyes as Rose stood up and walked back into the hospital, just wishing there was a time he could escape to and fix everything. He didn't want to be feeling this way. He felt helpless.

"You look like crap," he heard a voice say.

_Oh, damn it._

"Shut up," Derek said as Mark sat down next to him.

Mark shrugged. "Just calling them like I see them."

Derek sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "There's nothing to see. What are you doing here?"

Mark shot him a classic smile. "I hear this is the place to pick up women. So I come here from time to time." He paused, looking at Derek. "Or is that just you and Grey?"

At this Derek's eyes narrowed. "Don't talk about Meredith. Just don't." Despite himself, Derek felt his eyes close again. _So tired._

"You and Grey on the rocks?"

"Meredith! Her name is Meredith," Derek paused. "Actually, you're not allowed to call her that," Derek added eventually. He looked out noticing that it was beginning to drizzle once again. The rain never stopped. "There are no rocks. Meredith and I are done. I'm dating that nurse. Who follows me everywhere."

Mark clapped him on the back. Hard. "Good for you! Man, are the here nurses an adventure."

"I don't want an adventure, I want her." Mark made a face. Derek smiled slightly. "Maybe you should date the nurse."

Mark laughed. "When you dump her, I'll date her."

Derek stood up and tried to wipe off the raindrops from his lab coat. "You stay away from Meredith and I'll be happy," Derek responded simply before turning back for the hospital.

"Talk to Grey," Mark called after him. "Talk to Grey and maybe it'll work out."

Derek looked at Mark over his shoulder before nodding crossing the automatic doors into the hospital, unsure exactly of where he was going.

**MDMDMDMD**

"Hi," Rose said as Derek walked towards her at the elevator bay.

Derek plastered a smile on his face. He was trying. "Hey. You ready to go?"

Rose smiled at him and nodded. "So," she said casually, slipping her hand into his, "where are we going?"

Derek shrugged. He didn't want to take her there but he had nowhere else that was really date worthy. He and Meredith always went to the steakhouse.

"There's this steakhouse on Main. We could try it out," Derek said casually. Rose nodded at him and leaned forward to press the down button.

He was acutely aware of all the people watching them around the elevator and whispering about them. The gossip at this hospital was worse than high school.

The right elevator opened, much to Derek's dismay. There were so many memories in that left elevator. But then again, he didn't want to be with Rose in that elevator anyhow. Derek watched the doors close, sealing his fate along with it, momentarily distracted by what he categorized as an all too familiar blonde on the other side of the doors.

Derek and Rose walked in silence to his car. He wanted to say something and break the stillness that hung around them, but he didn't know what to say to her. There was nothing to say to her.

"So, why did you move out here to Seattle?" Rose asked loudly, breaking the silence that Derek couldn't break.

Derek didn't know if she was being serious or trying to make bad small talk. She was a nurse. Didn't the nurses know everything?

"There was nothing for me anymore in New York. I was tired of it. I was tired of that hospital. I was tired of my marriage. I was tired of my wife. So I left." _Simple as that_, Derek thought.

"There was something for you here?" Rose asked. _How far behind on gossip was she_, Derek thought. It wasn't the brightest thing for her to bring up Meredith.

Derek smiled despite himself. "Yeah. Yeah there was." He pulled open the car door, thankful that Mark had left his car where he said he would. Derek watched as Rose got in, not realizing that he was comparing her to Meredith in every way possible.

He walked around the car and slid in, clicking his seatbelt into place and offered Rose a smile. He was the one who asked her out, after all. "Ready to go?"

She nodded and smiled. "Yeah."

"So," Derek began, trying his best to keep the silence away, "when did you become a nurse at the hospital?"

"Three years ago. I moved here from California."

"Oh," Derek replied.

They rode in silence until Derek pulled the car into park and pushed his door open. Walking around to the other side of the car, Derek saw that Rose hadn't even attempted to open the car door. With four sisters, Derek had always been taught to open the door for any woman, but he had never once remembered Meredith just sitting there helplessly in the car without opening the door for herself.

"Hey, Doc," one of the waiters greeted. Everyone here knew Meredith, he had forgotten about that.

"Hey," Derek replied quickly, trying not to draw attention to the fact that Meredith wasn't with him today.

The waiter, who Derek recognized as Steve looked Derek up and down and then behind him. "Where's Mer?"

Derek breathed in deeply and sharply and looked down at the ground. "She's not with me tonight," he said, wishing with all his heart that he was lying.

Steve narrowed his eyes at Derek but kept quiet, leading him to the table that he and Meredith always sat at.

"Do you think we could have a different table tonight? Just a change of scenery?" Derek asked quickly when he saw the direction that they were headed in. To their table. He turned and smiled at Rose just for good measure.

"Sorry about that," Derek said, pulling out Rose's chair for her and sitting down. "I come here a lot." Rose shrugged. "So, tell me about yourself." _Lame, Derek_.

"Well," Rose said smiling. "I went to Santa Cruz, and I've lived in California all my life. My parents were divorced and I lived with my dad," she said. Derek froze. He hoped that there would be no family questions for him.

"My dad is really great. He was always there for me, you know, at every parent-teacher conference and little league game," she paused. "What about you? What was your dad like?"

Derek was completely still. What was he supposed to say? "My father died when I was nine. I don't talk about it much."

Rose's eyes widened and she looked down. "Oh. I'm sorry. But having a dad to grow up with was really great."

Derek nodded slowly, unsure of how to answer. "I'm sure it was."

_They had come here for their first date. And he was going to take her here on the second date, but Addison had walked into the hospital, putting an end to that plan. When they were dating, there was not one dinner that they didn't come here for. Meredith loved the steakhouse. She could eat a whole steak dinner by herself and most of his as well. He didn't mind. It was cute anyhow. She could have anything of his she wanted. That included his steak dinner and portion of carbs in a basket._

_His plan. Dinner, and the ferryboat and getting down on one knee with the black box. He was going to take her here. Because she loved the steakhouse. And he was going to order her a steak dinner and himself one, but let her all of his if she wanted it._

_There was no real plan. He didn't have a speech spelled out and memorized. It was a normal date, but it was going to be special too. He wanted her forever. He wanted all of her forever: her snoring, her rambling and her lavender smelling hair. That was all he wanted to tell her when he asked her to marry him. That he wanted all of her forever. Because he couldn't live without any part of her._

_He was going to make sure that their table was theirs for that night, that her favorite bottle of wine was ordered and that there were enough carbs in the basket to feed a whole country. He was going to make sure that she knew just how important she was to him and how she made him feel so fortunate every day of his life. He was going to give her everything he could._

Derek glanced over to his and Meredith's table and watched as an elderly couple sat down, holding hands across the table, looking as if there was no one else in the world but them.

He couldn't do this. Not to himself. Not to Rose.

Not to Meredith.

He was lying if he could think that dating anyone else would result in anything good. Meredith would be hurt somewhere down the line. Rose would never be loved the way that she really should be. He would never be satisfied or entirely happy and at peace.

Derek couldn't live without her. It wasn't romantic or bright and shiny in any way. It was the harsh reality, the bare facts. He needed her to be able to sleep at night. He needed to hear her voice and be completely at peace. He needed to hold her and forget about everything but him and her. He needed her to be him again.

"I'm not being fair to you," Derek said, looking up from his untouched plate. He held his breath, waiting for her to question or to laugh or to respond in any way.

Rose smiled at him. "You're not being fair to me," she agreed. "It's Dr. Grey, isn't it?"

Derek nodded, smiling slightly. "I thought I could do this. I thought I could, but I can't. And I'm sure you're great, but you're not her. And I will never love anyone else the way I love Meredith. So I'm not being fair to you right now."

They stood up, walking towards the door once Steve had arrived back with Derek's card.

"I can drive you home, if you want," Derek offered, still remembering that he was the one who asked her out on the date.

Rose shook her head. "I shifted shifts with one of the other nurses. I think I'll go get it back." She stood, her eyes on his and he leaned in and kissed her cheek in a thank you. Her hair was rose scented. No coincidence.

"If you love her like you say you do, don't let her go again," Rose suddenly said. Derek didn't know what to do besides nod slightly and smile at her.

Rose smiled back. "Good night, Dr. Shepherd," she said, walking into the night just like she had when Derek had first found out her name.

**MDMDMDMD**

Derek sat on the deck of his trailer and looked at his watch. 10:45. It was sad. Friday night and he was sitting alone on his deck with a bottle of beer.

"Hey, Shep."

Derek looked up at the chief with tired eyes. "Yeah."

"Can I borrow your car?" Richard asked hurriedly.

Derek slowly placed his bottle on the deck and dug into his pocket for his keys, throwing them lightly at the chief.

Richard headed for Derek' car, but stopped short to look at him sitting alone on the deck. "What are you doing home anyhow?"

Derek shrugged. "I had an epiphany of sorts." He lifted the bottle to his lips and let the liquid run down his throat without really tasting it. "Where are you going?"

"The hospital" It was an obvious answer, the place where everyone went when they wanted or needed to get away from everything.

Derek watched the chief drive off and stood up, light rain drops splashing on his jacket.

He needed a walk.

**MDMDMDMD**

Derek walked two perimeters around the land, his jacket and hair completely soaked by the demanding Seattle rain. It was disturbing, usually, but tonight it was just refreshing. Tonight he needed it.

_He was going to marry her here. On their land. Meredith was different than Addison. She didn't need the Plaza or five hundred guests or a big wedding. Meredith wasn't like that. _

_And there was nowhere that Derek would rather marry Meredith than their land. An everlasting memory where they would start their lives together. _

_It would be small. Not like Addison's wedding. Just their friends, maybe her sister. Maybe his sisters. Whoever Meredith wanted. But it would be small, just the people who really mattered to them. _

_The day would be perfect. Not because of the document that bonded them together forever. Not because all their friends could comment on what a beautiful couple they were and give them presents. Just because she would be his. She would be with him and he would be with her always._

Derek sighed and walked back to his trailer preparing for another sleepless night. The ground was wet and muddy with the rain and Derek watched as his shoes made footprints in the ground. A voice made him stop. Meredith's voice made him stop.

"I know I'm not pretty and maybe I act like I own the hospital and you're too good for me, so here's the thing." Just like that, the rain stopped mattering, his insomnia instantly disappeared and he was himself again. Derek waited for her to continue.

"The thing is that I'm sorry. I'm…I'm just sorry for everything. And there's a second thing. If you had a good date with Rose you might want to delete this right now. Or if you didn't have a good date, you should probably still delete this now. Okay. I know this is bad timing. It's actually terrible timing and a really bad situation with me sitting out here in the rain. But Derek, I love you…and I just wanted you to know that. Bye."

Derek couldn't move. She had solved all his problems with one message, told him everything he had ever wanted to hear from her and yet, he couldn't move.

The vibration on the waist of his jeans made him grab at his cell phone and try to silence it as best he could. The muffled ring of new message rang out in the silence of the night and Derek watched Meredith's head lower. She heard.

There was nothing left to do. Derek walked across the deck and sat next to her, the lavender of her hair so strong and so comforting.

"How much did you hear?" she asked him softly, biting her lower lip. That was a habit of hers he definitely couldn't live without.

"Most of it. From the part where you said you weren't pretty. Which I disagree with, by the way," Derek responded. Talking to her and sitting next to her had never felt so right as it did in that moment.

She asked questions and Derek answered them. He wanted her more than anything, but he couldn't be the one to ask her for their future this time.

"What does this mean?" Derek asked eventually.

He expected a Meredith freak out. He expected a shrug. He expected her to run away. Derek didn't expect her to lean in and kiss him.

Her arm slipped around his neck and instinctively, Derek's hands ran through her hair and pulled her as close as he could to him. This was right. This was perfect. This was how he wanted to live the rest of his life.

"We're taking it slow," Meredith said quietly, looking down in her lap. And that was it. Meredith had decided their future, for now at least.

Derek nodded. "We're taking it slow," he said smiling and standing up. Meredith got to her feet and he pulled the trailer door open, ushering her inside in the process.

They stood in the doorway, their hands coiled together, not knowing what to say. Eventually, Meredith extended her arm and faced him "Do you just want to…sleep? I haven't slept much since the on call room two days ago."

Derek smiled. Her problems weren't so different from his. "Yeah?"

Meredith nodded and looked him straight in the eyes. "I can't sleep without you, Derek. And I'm so tired."

She led him towards the bed, both of them only kicking off their shoes and taking off their wet clothes. Derek pulled Meredith as close as he could to his body and laced their fingers together. Instantly, her snores echoed through the trailer, and Derek smiled at hearing the sound.

Derek came up on an elbow. Something still wasn't right.

_I love you…and I just wanted you to know that._

Derek shook Meredith's shoulder gently. Her snores grew louder. She really was tired.

"Mer," Derek whispered in her ear. Nothing. "Mer!" he said a little louder. She started awake.

"What?" she said sleepily.

Derek smiled at her and leaned to kiss her forehead. "I love you too. I just wanted you to know that."

**A/N: This really is the end. I skipped out on the end conversation bit between Mer and Der, but extended the end scene. I also tried to redeem Rose's character in her end scene. I obviously don't like her because she's screwing up my favorite couple, but I think I went over the top with hating her, so I tried to fix that. **

**I hope I didn't totally ruin what I originally wrote with the second part, but please leave me a review if you have the time. I really appreciate them so much, and thank you so much for anyone who has been following this story and given me such great support. I will be posting another story soon. This one took a while to write, sorry about that!!!**


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